I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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