I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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