I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
