where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
