Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Randomize
