im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
