I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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