who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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