i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
