Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
