Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
