ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
