I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
