He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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