it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
