I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i was born a porn star she said
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
