she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
