kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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