i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I just gift wrapped bread.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
