I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize