I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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