your parents love me but you hate me
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
