those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
