Just fell off a train. Bad.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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