It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
