I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
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