i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I still have a little drunk in my system
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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