I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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