shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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