you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My bed smells like the plague
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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