I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize