My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize