Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
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