giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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