it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
