im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
