funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
