My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
