Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
