I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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