the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
