She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
