This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
