you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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