we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
