just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
