Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
