She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
