God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize