Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
