Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
