We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
