I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
