It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
