it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
