That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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