she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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