i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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