I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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