she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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