Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
