My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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