Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
