i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
