Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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