Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
