I just threw up on my dentist
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
