I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
