Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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