I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm like, not good at living.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
