So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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