When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
