Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize