Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
