Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
