You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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